We need to be who we are...

Every time I read this story I feel emotional. It resonates with me so much. I was that child and I too wish someone had intervened. I am so glad that I have been able to intervene for my children and let them fly with the things they want to fly with. Let them follow their passions and be in their "element". That for me is what school crushed. I am sorry if some people think that I go on about this too much but I feel so passionate about it! We all have our gifts, likes, passions, interests or whatever else you wish to call them. Maybe if schools focussed on allowing children to follow them we would have a lot less disaffected kids with low self esteems coming out of the education system. I do not make this stuff up. It is real for many, many children and I know lots of these kids and their families and hear their frustrations and hurt. I only have to read the huge number of stories in support groups to do with children diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, Gifted, Dyslexia (the list goes on!) to know that school for many is just not working. Diagnosis or not many of these children are struggling in the system and feeling like failures when maybe all they need is to be allowed to shine in whatever it is that lights their fire. Many of them would not need these lables either. They just are who they are and if allowed to be just that there often are no problems. My son was one of these kids. In so much trouble at school. Meeting after meeting, specialist after specialist to "fix him" when he was never broken. Just misunderstood and caged. Unschooling for him was a lifeline. He got to follow his passion which was computers and programming. At the age of 19 he is in his final year of a software engineering degree and happy. School did not get him there. He got himself there.....  

Gillian was only eight years old, but her future was already at risk.  Her schoolwork was a disaster, at least as far as her teachers were concerned.  She turned in assignments late, her handwriting was terrible, and she tested poorly.  Not only that, she was a disruption to the entire class, one minute fidgeting noisily, the next staring out of the window, forcing the teacher to stop the class to pull Gillian’s attention back, and the next doing something to disturb the other children around her.  Gillian wasn’t particularly concerned about any of this – she was used to being corrected by authority figures and didn’t really see herself as a difficult child – but the school was very concerned.  This came to a head when the school wrote to her parents.

The school thought Gillian had a learning disorder of some sort and that it might be more appropriate for her to be in a school for children with special needs.  All of this took place in the 1930’s.  I think now they’d say she had attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and they’d put her on Ritalin or something similar.  But the ADHD epidemic hand’t been invented at the time.  It wasn’t an available condition.  People didn’t know they could have that and had to get by without it.

Gillian’s parents received the letter from the school with great concern and sprang to action.  Gillian’s mother put her daughter in her best dress and shoes, tied her hair in ponytails, and took her to a psychologist for assessment, fearing the worst.

Gillian told me that she remembers being invited into a large oak-panelled room with leather-bound books on the shelves.  Standing in the room next to a large desk was an imposing man in a tweed jacket.  He took Gillian to the far end of the room and sat her down on a huge leather sofa.  Gillian’s feet didn’t quite touch the floor, and the setting made her wary.  Nervous about the impression she would make, she sat on her hands so that she wouldn’t fidget.

The psychologist went back to this desk, and for the next twenty minutes, he asked Gillian’s mother about the difficulties Gillian was having at school and the problems the school said she was causing.  While he didn’t direct any of his questions at Gillian, he watched her carefully the entire time.  This made Gillian extremely uneasy and confused.  Even at this tender age, she knew that this man would have a significant role in her life.  She knew what it meant to attend a “special school”, and she didn’t want anything to do with that.  She genuinely didn’t feel that she had any real problems, but everyone else seemed to believe that she did.  Given the way her mother answered the questions, it was possible that even she felt this way.

Maybe, Gillian thought, they were right.

Eventually, Gillian’s mother and the psychologist stopped talking.  The man rose from his desk, walked to the sofa, and sat next to the little girl.

“Gillian, you’ve been very patient, and I thank you for that”, he said.  “But I’m afraid you’ll have to be patient for a little longer.  I need to speak to your mother privately now.  We’re going to go out of the room for a few minutes.  Don’t worry; we won’t be very long”.

Gillian nodded apprehensively, and the two adults left her sitting there on her own.  But as he was leaving the room, the psychologist leaned across his desk and turned on the radio.

As soon as they were in the corridor outside the room, the doctor said to Gillian’s mother, “Just stand here for a moment, and watch what she does”.  There was a window into the room, and they stood to one side of it, where Gillian couldn’t see them.  Nearly immediately, Gillian was on her feet, moving around the room to the music.  The two adults stood watching quietly for a few minutes, transfixed by the girl’s grace.  Anyone would have noticed there was something natural – even primal – about Gillian’s movements.  Just as they would have surely caught the expression of utter pleasure on her face.

At last, the psychologist turned to Gillian’s mother and said, “You know, Mrs. Lynne, Gillian isn’t sick.  She’s a dancer.  Take her to a dance school”.

I asked Gillian what happened then.  She said her mother did exactly what the psychologist suggested.  “I can’t tell you how wonderful it was”, she told me.  “I walked into this room, and it was full of people like me.  People who couldn’t sit still.  People who had to move to think“.

She started going to the dance school every week, and she practiced at home every day.  Eventually, she auditioned for the Royal Ballet School in London, and they accepted her.  She went on to join the Royal Ballet Company itself, becoming a soloist and performing all over the world.  When that part of her career ended, she formed her own musical theatre company and produced a series of highly successful shows in London and New York.  Eventually, she met Andrew Lloyd Webber and created with him some of the most successful musical theatre productions in history, including Cats and The Phantom of the Opera.

Little Gillian, the girl with the high-risk future, became known to the world as Gillian Lynne, one of the most accomplished choreographers of our time, someone who has brought pleasure to millions and earned millions of dollars.  This happened because someone looked deep into her eyes – someone who had seen children like her before and knew how to read the signs.

Someone else might have put her on medication and told her to calm down.  But Gillian wasn’t a problem child.  She didn’t need to go away to a special school.

She just needed to be who she really was.

From the book “The Element – How finding your passion changes everything” by Ken Robinson

Over prescribing medication to children

A little while back I posted an article on my Facebook page about the over prescribing of prescription medication for children. Not just any medication but anti-psychotic. I shared with a comment about how very sad I was to read the figures and how wrong I felt it was. 100,000 scripts for children alone in Australia seem astonishingly high and I question whether all children prescribed these meds actually need them. I have been in the ADHD/ASD/Gifted/Specific Learning Difficulty arena for over 20 years now and have done much reading and research around this topic. I was married to a man diagnosed with ADHD, I have a nearly 20 year old diagnosed with ADHD/ASD/Gifted and with specific learning differences, namely dysgraphia and dyslexia (a lot of unnecessary labels me thinks and one has to beg the question why?! - but hey that is whole other discussion!) I have also taught in schools where children have similar diagnosis (or not) but are medicated and I have formed some strong views on it. They are merely my views woven from the journey I have been on to find me where I am now with my thoughts on all this and that being that there are far too many children being prescribed strong medications, with little research into the long term effects on the developing brain and those said same medications often having some quite extreme side effects that I have heard about through friends and from my own observations whilst teaching.  I chose not to medicate my son after doing extensive research, soul searching and discussion with him over the years. I loved my son as he was. As a child he shone to me like a beam of light, always happy, fun loving and kind. What were his issues? He had bucket loads of energy (some like to say hyperactive), he did things his way, questioned authority when he did not see a reason for something and questioned most things in life and the universe from how milk got from a cow to how a wheel turned to how one might travel in time - insatiable and never ending his quest for knowledge. His brain was a dynamo, always exploring and enthusiastic about everything! Why would I mess with that? He was 3 or 4 when he was first diagnosed with ADHD.  He had stood out as being different from when he started at nursery when he was 2 and I as a single Mum went to University to study for my degree.  I was often called in for "chats" about my sunny boy. They did not always have the same upbeat view of my son that I had.  They found him hard work. So hey why not medicate him? The interview where this decision was made took about 1/2 hour where I had to fill some questionnaires, (as did the nursery he was in at the University I was studying at) and they had a chat with me. They diagnosed him with ADHD (after hearing that his Father was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and was on Ritalin until the age of 16). I accepted the diagnosis but I rejected the need for medication. It actually filled me with horror. Why would I give me beautiful perfect child an amphetamine (with similar effects on the brain as speed and cocaine?) He was 3!! The response to my decision from the psychiatrist was that what I was doing was "an indirect form of child abuse as I was not offering my son the window of opportunity to realise his full potential" Wow! What a burden to put on a Mother's shoulders and on my shoulders it fully sat as I had no support being a single Mum and little family support as my Mother had died the year before the birth of my son. There were no support networks like there are now.  No forums.  No Facebook.  Nothing.  I cried an ocean of tears and toiled with what they had told me but my instinct was to say no to drugs. So I did. We continued on enjoying our life but with many phone calls from nursery, child care or whoever was looking after Samuel for me - mostly telling me what he had done wrong and how they could no longer look after him. It was a very stressful time for me and I questioned my decision often but that deep instinctual protective maternal force kept me on the path I had chosen for us. I have never said no to medication as I know it can help some children immensely but I felt for us there were other things I wanted to try. I looked at his diet and eliminated all artificial additives, natural siliciates and basically did an elimination diet where you take the diet back to basics and slowly introduce foods back in to see if there are any side effects from those foods. Food definitely did affect him but it was not a miracle cure. I also took him to a naturopath and we also added some vitamins, omega 3, minerals and they too helped but again it was not a "cure". And I say "cure" because that was often the word used about my beautiful boy. I started to question this and ask what was it they wanted to cure?  An insatiable curiosity and need for answers, a busy body that needed to move to learn, a self-motivated investigator who did not want to sit and do what others expected of him but wanted to seek out his own interests (and yes this was evident from the get go - which I think is the same for all children but maybe those with these diagnosis are a little more extreme in their behaviours).  I loved being with Samuel and he lit up my world. The heavy load came from others views and expectations of him and I was unwilling to medicate to appease them.

I had other reservations for the use of medication. I had been married to a man who was diagnosed with ADHD. I had not even heard of this condition until I met him. He was exciting, vivacious, interesting, fun, kind and thoughtful and I loved him very much. However, amongst the good, there was a darker side. He had a problem with drugs. When we first met it was only marihuana but then things seemed to spiral and once he had moved to the UK from Australia (where we had me) his drug problem had grown to include heavy use of ecstasy, speed and cocaine (amongst other things that I dared not know). His life crumbled. We were very young and his problem was out of control. My beautiful Mum had been diagnosed with cancer and neither of us particularly coped with the stress from that. He became erratic and violent and we were known to the police and a number of restraining orders were put in place after I had been the victim of domestic violence on a number of occasions. Our lives were crazy and completely dysfunctional. I was mourning the death of my Mother and he was dealing with his unresolved childhood issues of being a kid that was totally misunderstood and self-medicating turning him into a danger to himself and us. This was a beautiful human being who I saw as being damaged by a system that deemed he did not "fit". He was punished for being himself. He was always in trouble in school and spent much of his time outside the principal's office. He was also medicated with Ritalin. He said he hated it. He felt a lack of control and he hated the way it made him feel. Those memories of what he had told me and the tears I had seen him cry propelled me even more to walk a different path with our son who had been given the same diagnosis as his Dad. I wanted to rewrite history, not repeat it and right a wrong for Samuel's Dad, even though he was no longer in our lives having moved away and us not seeing him ever again from when Samuel was about 3. This was so important to me. His story scared me. He scared me. My son's diagnosis scared me. I wanted a different story for Samuel, so I chose a different path and thus began my feelings about the use of medication.

I also met a couple of other Mums whose children had similar diagnosis and they trialed medication and it was not the magic cure that so many touted. They had no fewer problems than my son who was not taking it. I also in time met another child again with a similar diagnosis and he was on a cocktail of medications and he was actually doing no better but worse than my son. I saw medication as being something that promised you the world and let you down over and over again. I also started working at a school as a teacher aide, working with 5 year olds. I always remember one dark haired little boy with the palest skin and sad eyes. He had been put on Ritalin to help bring him out of himself and to focus. What do you want a boy of 5 to focus on? Sitting at the table struggling to read because he is not ready or letting him play and play all day until his cheeks become flushed with joy and his eyes light up? I would choose the later. He would cry to me that he did not want to go to the office at lunch time for his little white pill. He would cry to me that they made his head hurt. I so wanted to stop that for him. I wanted to scream at the school. I wanted to scream at his mother for listening to those Drs who no doubt made her feel as guilty as they had me by saying that if she did not give him those little pills she would be offering him no window of opportunity in his little 5 years of life! What had gone wrong with the world that we find ourselves in a place that we feel the need to give drugs meant for grown bodies and brains to babes with precious minds that are still forming? It was all so hard for me to understand but again cemented my feelings that giving Samuel no little white pills was the right choice for us. I did not want to see my boy clutch his head in pain or cry with a complete lack of control over this decision. The powerlessness of childhood is something I struggle with. That little boy had no power over his destiny and I felt powerless to help the little man in my care at school other than to hug him wipe his tears and hear his feelings, but I could help my own son and I would and I did – drug free.  I am not touting this as being the best way but it was the way for us and in the same way that others don’t like to be made to feel guilty for medicating their children I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for choosing not to.  My son is 19 now, in his final year of a software engineering degree, has a girlfriend, part-time job and is a happy human being who likes himself as he is.  If the powers that be had had their way he would have been medicated and I think that where he is now shows that it just wasn't necessary.  So yes, sorry to those who got angry with me for posting the article that stated those stats and had the need to justify why medication is the answer for their children but this story is my reasoning for my big questions on why so many children are being medicated and most often than not to stay in an education system that cannot cope with difference.  Something is very wrong in that for me but hey we are all entitled to our own opinions and for the story of success that I give here about my own son I know there are others that will show how medication was right for them.  Life is never black and white but many shades of grey and one person’s truth is not the same as another’s and that is ok but at least try to be open minded and just accept that every opinion is just someone's perspective and their truth and every bit as real as your own..

       

Homeschool Support Groups

When people first come to me for advice about homeschooling I always tell them to join a support group.  When my son was little I was very hesitant to join support groups as I am quite an introvert and going along to meet other people that I did not know was somewhat daunting and at times depressing.  I remember going to one group about ADHD and I just sat there listening to everyone’s rather sad stories.  They did not seem to relate to me or my situation and I was too shy to really intercept any conversation so I just sat, listened and waited and then when the time was up I just picked up my coat and walked out that door not having made one friend, not feeling supported or understood and certainly not uplifted.  It felt nothing like how I had envisioned a support group!  However in the past 15 years things have changed rapidly with the meteoric rise of the internet.  Now you no longer even have to leave your house if you have access to a computer, smart phone or some other form of technology that will enable you to access the web.  There are so many online support groups now it can feel a little overwhelming but don’t give up.  There are local, national and international – the choice is yours.  I think it is a good idea to choose a few and just get a feel for them and see whether they resonate with you.  I find most of my support groups on mediums such as Facebook where there are a heap of closed groups that give you privacy to be able to speak your mind.  When the group is closed it means that only the members in it can see what you have written and nobody else will have access to it on your news feed.  This gives benefits to those who seek privacy and don’t wish for everything they write to be shown to all on their friends list.  If a group is run properly then when people ask to join they will be screened.  It they are not a friend or a friend of a friend then an admin person should be clarifying with them why they wish to join the group.  This protects other members as it can be an avenue for opportunists who just want to get into the group and sell their wares or pedal a business.  It will never by 100% full proof but on the whole the groups can be kept safe and if any rogue person does gain access the admin can delete them and block them so that they cannot gain access again.  This really is only a problem for some of the larger groups.  SunnyHomeschool Support Hub that I started on the Sunshine Coast was intended to support local people who were new to homeschooling and wanted help with paperwork or other advice on the practicalities of homeschooling and how you become registered or join a distance education provider.  It has however grown into far more than that and we now have nearly 400 members covering a substantial distance.  It has meant a bigger workload and we have needed to take on more administrators to share the load but it has been wonderful connecting with other homeschoolers across Queensland, Australia and some from overseas.  We have so much to learn from each other.  The majority of the activity does however come from locals who interact and arrange meet-ups, excursions, courses, field trips or whatever else our wonderful online community can come up with.  There are also many smaller regional groups popping up all the time and it is a great place to shout out and find if there are other homeschoolers in your local area.  It has also been a place to cry, laugh and share troubles in a non-judgemental arena and nobody has to leave their house to do so (unless they don’t have the technology to access this kind of support).  If you don’t have it at home there are always internet cafes and libraries that can assist you.  For me the online support groups have been a lifeline where you can share ideas, success stories, group gatherings, resources, information of all kinds and offload any concerns that you may be harbouring and it does not bring the social worries that actually face to face meetings can bring about for many of us and especially for those on the spectrum.  Even for my son who was very much unschooled and just did his own thing alone at home (never wanting to go and meet other homeschoolers), when he decided to access Brisbane School of Distance Education when he was doing Year 11 and 12, the online community became such a gift to him where previously he had struggled with friendships in real life because of some of his differences, online he was accepted.  He could be himself and chat with others with a lot less judgments being made than when he was at school.  He could access forums whereby discussion would take place on subjects he was studying and students could support each other in a far less threatening way than actual physical meet-ups.  A real joy for us was that when he eventually went to University some of those online friends that he made went with him and they are still friends today 4 years down the track.  That is a real blessing for a boy who grew up with very few (if any) real friends.

Many of these online groups make times where they meet up in real life so then if that is important to you it is available.  Not everyone just enjoys online relationships.  Often we use that time as a park play for our children and the parents will chat and put the world to rights amongst themselves whilst their children go off and have fun and make connections or the parents might listen to a speaker on a relevant topic that may be of interest.  It is such an important part of homeschooling for me and I have found the benefits to be enormous.  Whereby previously when my son was young and I had no access to support groups I found the journey a lot more worrying and stressful when all I had was my own head to try and sort out my worries and nobody else to give advice, suggestions or just a hug or pat on the back so that I felt I was not alone and was doing ok.  As the saying goes a worry shared is a worry halved and it has certainly been the case for me.  Although I like lots of my own time, meeting up with others occasionally to give and receive support has become an important part of my homeschool journey.

Support groups do not come without their downsides as I have learned along the way.  A whole group of people coming from differing walks of life, with different life experiences, expectations and needs is always a place where sometimes conflict can occur and especially within our ASD community where sometimes quirky behaviour is on display.  I try to be very accepting of others and although I agree that we don’t all have to share the same ideals, educational philosophies or parenting styles I do feel for the harmony of the group we have to agree to differ on some points and be respectful of each other when that does occur and accept that all of us come to where we are with our own stories and that is ok.  There is no right or wrong way to homeschool, parent nor live, just the right way for you and your family and none of us have the right to pass judgement.  I feel that we more than others need to be aware of difference and be inclusive and accepting.  Many of the families that I meet have left school after experiencing harrowing times and they have been friendless and often rejected as we once were.  It is important to me that any group that I facilitate is inclusive and shows kindness and compassion to each other.  We often have enough to fight with when our children have issues that need treatment, therapy and a lot of our time and energy.  We do not then need to then find conflict within our support groups.  That is no support at all.  I know it is sometimes hard but it is an ideal that I try to adhere to as much as I can.  Life is too short to invite conflict into our lives.

I think we also need to be mindful of the information that we are given within some of the support groups we go to and take everything in with an open mind.  Some people will swear by a resource that has been the best thing for their child or a system that has worked for them.  It may not be the best for you and you don’t want to be taking on that advice and spending lots of money to set up your homeschool environment when that is not actually the way that will work for you.  I think we can all start panicking when listening to other people who seem to have the best way of doing things and all seems rosy and bright in their world and it can actually make us feel worse rather than better!  When I feel like that I walk away from those interactions.  I don’t need competition nor to start doubting myself.  I find the best support group for me in those times is the beach!  Take what you need from a group but disband with what you don’t.  I have learned that along the way too.  Also we don’t need to be friends with everyone.  That is not possible but at least make all the interactions you do have kind ones and don’t exclude people.  You never know how much of a difference your support one day can make to a person in need even if in your heart you really don’t feel a connection with that person we can all be kind.

Some other support groups offer practical help such as learning co-ops where resources are shared as well as parental skills.  These can be great if your child wants to learn a particular skill and you are not able to teach them yourself or pay for someone else to do so.  Pooling resources and skills is a wonderful way to connect with other homeschoolers and learn along the way.  Even giving each other some time away from the children can be of support to many especially if you have a high need child or children.  A reciprocal child-minding circle if your child is open to that and they don’t mind spending some time away from you can be great.  There are so many different ways to give and receive support.  Everyone needs a helping hand at some point in their life and we can all offer each other so much if we just reach out.  Happy homeschooling everyone J

Some good homeschooling support groups to start with are:-

Homeschool Australia at www.homeschoolaustralia.com

Unschool Australia at www.unschoolaustralia.com

SunnyHomeschool Support Hub at

https://www.facebook.com/groups/SunnyHomeschoolSupportHub/

You don't suffer from Aspergers. You suffer from other people!

Asperger's Cats

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